ill start here july 2003
well it was a typical day i had a shit job with no prospects two children a wife of nearly two years and cronic depression, money was a real big issue for me and somehow i felt i was failing my lovely wife and faboulous kids.
at the time i wasnt feeling too good about myself so i decided to try and find another better job but to no avail the area in which i wanted to get into (i.t.) was pretty damn rare in the area i live in and since i dont drive or have a licence it was proving harder and harder to cope.
so i decided to get into the world of credit cards i got myself one with the full intention of maintaining payments and keeping on top of things, but as youll find out that wasnt the case.
i felt that after 3 years of constantly giving to my family i decided to treat myself to some computer parts especially as my pc seemed like the skoda we all used to ridicule, when it was switched on it took one hell of a belt to the rear area of the case to stop the power supply fan from rattling but it worked every time 
the only problem was as you know my finances werent up to scratch so i purchased £250 woth of pc parts on my shiny new credit card oooh the guilt but tough i needed my little bit of take to make myself feel better, a kind of retail therapy he he
after ordering i felt real bad but still decided not to inform my wife as she has been making a habit of giving me ridicule and irritation because the boys had been wearing thin on her and i didnt want the grief
the next day was my wifes work day she used to work 4 nights a week at a local pub to give herself some spending cash as i payed for everything else
the council flat we lived in was nice but the neighbours were not the most likable types, after i returned from work i put on the dinner and did a bit of tyding in the kitchen (niether of us could be bothered to do the washing up that often lol) i sat down to eat with my happy bunch and my wife was looking kind of glum i asked her about her day and nothing much came out of her mouth other than "was ok just the norm" ahh i thought to myself shes been sitting stressing about somthing so i inqured some more "anything bothering you babe??" i said in a midly high voice thinking of nothing more than shes found out about my purchase fretting slightly on the possible outcome of this conversation and she replied "no not really" i began to wonder what was up but thought leave well alone i continued to eat as the boys started tossing mash patatoes at each other.
shortly after she went of to the bedroom to get herself ready for work i simply left her to it as i cleaned up the boys mess, as i finally finished scraping up potato from the carpet she just came in to give the boys a kiss goodnight and myself but it seemed a tad lighter than normal but i was busy and thought nothing of it.
as the night drew on i was minding my own business when i heard the keys rattle in the door, it was my wife back from work but i was so busy playing my strategy game that i didnt realise the time it was 1am hmm i thought well maybey they had a shut in after work so i just said hello and saved my game and shut down my pc i turned around to see that she had already dumped herself in bed and curled up to her pillow i joined her and cuddled up gave her a kiss on the neck.
the next day i got up for work feeling like crap as usual and trundled to work the day was incredibly dull and my brain was dwelling on how i felt so guilty about my purchase so i decided to come clean when i got home
as i wandered home slowly (trying to work up some guts lol) i began to feel almost evil but as i got closer to the security door i suddenly gathered myself together, i climbed the stairs to my flat with all the confidence i needed then i opened the door and saw the boys sitting playing crash the cars and i noticed my wife was not there so i went straight into the bedroom assuming she was watching tv in bed or browsing the web, i walked in the doorway to see she was sitting on my pc staring at the web search page but nothing had been typed in she was just sitting there like stone eyes glazed and fixed on the screen, that is until i spoke to her i said "are you alright honey?....whats wrong?"
for a few seconds she just turned and stared at me look forlorn and lost like a child in a supermarket in the moments before they realise they are on thier own, then she kind of just woke up and said hi as if nothing had been different, well i thought to my self now or never time to tell her, i sat on the bed and looked at my shoes then looked up at her just as i did i noticed that she had the most beautifull misty colour in her eyes i had never noticed it before i had been with her for 5 years and not seen it once the bedroom windows reflected light in just a way that made them look like the most precious stones ,this made me feel all the more confident about telling her and wanting to grab her fine body and hold her tight, so i just cleared my througt and came out with it "babe...ive been a tad selfish ....i spent £250 on pc parts...imsorry" but she just looked at me as if to say so what......i couldnt figure it out i expected a huge backlash but nothing then her eyes began to glaze over again but this time they were clouding over ....she was crying i had no idea i had caused so much upset ..i stood up to grab her and she just pushed me back
i couldnt figure out why she was crying at all she just seemed to get worse and worse to the degree that my sons came running in thinking she was hurt or angry, she wiped her eyes and tried to hide her eyes from the boys and softly said in slightly wobbly voice "im ok boys go back in the other room please" 
by now i was totally confused so i said "what wrong babe theres more to this than me spending money?" ...she looked at me sad and drawn then after a few seconds of staring at me she shaped her lips to speak and forced out the words "sorry im so...sorry" i began to panic "its time for me to confess too....." 
i felt like my inside all of them had been ripped away i knew what she was going to say but i let her finish truth is i didnt have the breath to argue "i was late last night ....because .... this guy offered to walk me home i had a few drinks and......he was so nice to me.... we kissed"
all i felt was pure sweaty panic and started to blame myself and spending money ecetera but it was all wrong she was drifting away from me..........
ill continue tomorrow but this is the moment i felt a sledge hammer and i knew it was never going to be the same again ttfn..
